I Feel Old

I was drying my hair this morning and noticed I have too many gray hairs. I know it happens to everyone, but I went from having one, to more than I can count. I used to pull them out when I saw them, but now I am afraid I might end up with a bald spot. Lately, I have noticed things happening that I was not expecting to happen so soon.

I look for fiber content in just about everything I eat and bedtime is getting earlier and earlier. I catch myself complaining about today's music and my sister and I use the phrase "remember when" a lot more than I care to admit. It creeps up on you, one minute your young and full of energy and the next you need an afternoon nap! There is never enough time in the day to get everything done, nor is there enough energy. Looking back, I used to go days on two or three hours of sleep. Now I can’t function unless I get at least 6 hours a night. I now understand the full meaning of “youth is wasted on the young.”

I know I am still not that old, but when my mother was my age, I thought she was old! (Sorry Mom) She was a grandmother in her 30’s! Why wouldn't I think she was old? Time used to seem to stand still, now it races forward. As I get older, I am more self conscious. I used to just worry about getting wrinkles, now I worry about hair growing in places it shouldn't, or is a body lift an acceptable reason to cash in my 401K?! We like to say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but let’s be honest with ourselves; how we see ourselves is how we assume others see us, even our beholder.

While I am still contemplating my retirement, I pray that exercise and diet will slow things down a bit. Lord knows my vanity, and I can only hope He deals with me compassionately!

Sins of My Past

I am so thankful that God forgives. When I look back at my twenties I cringe. I pray my children make better decisions than I made. I am happy in every aspect of my life today, but I struggled terribly to get here. I will not go into details about my past, except to say that I am glad it is the past. The fact that God's grace and forgiveness is so great helps me move forward. When I remember things or am reminded of the paths that I chose, anxiety sets in. My only source of peace is remembering that I am the one who keeps whipping myself with the memories, because once God forgives he forgets. We may have consequences that result from our actions, but we are still forgiven. I am always amazed at His grace and understanding. I only hope that I learn to be just as forgiving, and show grace as God has shown to me.

1 John 1:9 (King James Version)

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Butterfly Faith

Faith by biblical definition "is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1). 

When I was younger I remember, all the preachers, teachers and pastors were teaching on faith. I was raised that if you have enough faith in God, all things are possible. I still believe this. With that being said, I can also tell you that I have always questioned on whether or not I had enough faith. I have even doubted my own salvation. I would questions if my doubt was proof I didn't really have faith. I walked away from all lessons on faith with the understanding that faith was just believing. Unfortunately, I walked away with just that. Up until recently, I have struggled with "having" faith, mainly because I have deep rooted skepticism. I am a born skeptic. I question everything. So you can imagine how the phrase "just have faith" makes me cringe. It wasn't until I planted my butterfly bush and watched it grow that I learned the truth about faith and how it works. (God will use what ever he can to get his point across!)


I love butterflies. They are whimsical, delicate, fluttery creatures. They remind me of little fairies. Butterflies make me happy. This last fall I planted a butterfly bush, in hopes that swarms of butterflies would grace my yard with their presence. I highly doubted it, but a girl can hope! By Spring it had grown to be as tall as my house with beautiful honey smelling rainbow blooms.To my delight and surprise not a day has gone by this spring and summer without seeing butterflies. All shapes, colors and sizes! 

God always answers our prayers. We may not like the answer, but he answers. Faith is not just believing. Faith is doing.  I learned that doubt will not stop God from working in our lives. We stop God by letting doubt get in our way. I have learned that faith is doing what you know needs to be done, even if you think it will not work. The Bible shows us several examples of steps of faith. He gave the Israelites specific instruction to walk around Jericho. They doubted as they walked but they did it and the walls fell as promised. Jesus put mud on a blind man's eyes and then told him to go and wash it off in a pool of water! The man was blind! Instead of reminding Jesus of this, he got up, did as he was told and was healed. 
I planted my butterfly bush doubting that it would attract butterflies. I was mistaken. If I would have listened to my doubt I would have miss out! Most seeds of faith are planted in doubt, but actions and listening to God produces the answers and results you are hoping for. 

My Children - My Reflection

I have two small children and every day I see more and more of myself and my husband in them. Good and unfortunately bad traits from both of us show through them. I catch myself stopping in mid-sentence or before I lose my temper to re-evaluate what I am going to teach them through my words and actions. Although they have free will to do whatever they want to do, with love, direction and discipline we teach our children what we feel is the correct way to live and hopefully when they are grown they will take the values we have taught them and live by them.

I believe God does the same thing with us. Through the Bible and through different teachers, whether it is our parents, Pastor or both, we learn the values that Christ wants us to live by. We in turn become a reflection of Him, just as our children are the reflection of us. I have known this my entire life, but it wasn’t until I had my own children and saw how they emulate me and my husband, that it became clear. We try as teenagers to be what are parents are not, but somehow, no matter how hard we try, we end up resembling our parents. If I was not brought up with the Bible and the teachings in it, I do not want to even imagine how I would have turned out. Throughout my life, Christ has been there with me, even though I was not living out the values that I was taught.

I pray that my children remember the values and love that I am trying to instill in them. I pray that they will always remember the lessons of love, discipline and direction that I am teaching them. The Bible says “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) I believe every word of this verse. I am living proof! I was raised with Bible studies every morning for 10 years before school. I lived like hell through my twenties. I am now in my forties and have given my life completely back to God, who in His grace has forgiven me. I pray for my children’s sake, they choose to stay with God and the teaching I am giving them, and that they never stray, but if they go off course I still have Gods promise that they will come back.

How I hear from God

I am not sure if God still speaks to people audibly anymore. I know if he felt it was needed he would. When my 8 year old son asked me how does God talk to us, I had to pause and think about how to explain it to him. It turned out it was easier for me to explain than I thought. I believe God speaks to us through our conscience and thoughts. He is that random thought that is sometimes dismissed as  just a thought. He is that tug at your heart that tells you "stop", "be careful" or "you know better". 

I remember a few years ago, taking my boys to McDonald's with my mother in law to eat lunch and play in the little playground. There were several kids playing and I was trying not to be a panicked parent, (at least not in front of my mother in law.) After a bit, all the other kids left with their group and I had a feeling to look for my little one. A specific feeling to look at the kids leaving the play area. I ignored it. I then asked my oldest if his brother was with him and he assured me he was, (another lesson...don't always believe your 5 year old when you are interrupting their playing). Next thing I know a women was walking my youngest out to me from inside the restaurant. He had followed the group of kids out of the play area. 

I believe my initial feeling to look at the kids leaving was God speaking to me. Sadly I had ignored him. I was too worried about looking like a hovering parent to my mother in law. Thankfully, God is a loving and forgiving Father, even though I ignored him, he still protected my son and brought him back to me. It all happened so fast and could have ended so badly. 

I have ignored my conscience and those random thoughts throughout my life not knowing what they were or Who they were. To many times I have said " I should have listened to myself" or "I had a feeling I shouldn't have done that." I am learning everyday how to listen better and stop ignoring that little tug at my heart.